Father in-law, Orange Juice, and HAM!!! =}

This is a sad day for the wizzlepants family.

Well, not really, for me anyway. This is a sad day for my ex-wife Martha. Her father (my ex-father in-law) was sentenced to...umm, how do you say...buy the farm? Kick the bucket? Whatever.




So sad. He really needs to learn how to do his makeup better. Doesn't want to look all ugly on the ropes, does he? Heck, I can see the family resemblance even.

I would call Martha to see how shes doing about all this, but the judge said I'll get arrested and thrown in the compost heap if I do, seriously that garden gnome with the wig on is mean, he started talking to me yesterday, and now I can't get him to shut up kinda like I could never get Martha to shut up and I could never get her stupid father to shut up, see in the portrait above he still wont shut up, at our wedding he even got up and left in the middle of the ceremony, said something about wanting pork rinds...

I like Tropicana. A lot. I luvs (<3) it. Luvs. Luvs. Luvs.

I ate a ham today. First I didnt like it that much cos when I bitted into it a lot of blood and this goopy white stuff came out, but once I got past that it was really good, but then I looked at the sky and saw a sheet with snakes...oh wait, wrong story, what really happened to me is the mailman rang the door and I went to answer it but he fell over ded cos I was naked and I forgetted about it, I don't usually shower naked after all, but the doctor said I should cos it was making the warts on my armpit worse, one day a wart even exploded when I tried to shave it, and I had to sew it up with a real strand of human hair, and that broke so I just slapped a piece of duct tape on it.

Yeah, duct tape. Works every time.

In the News...

Today, famous rock star turned fugly glasses supermodel was awarded honorary knighthood by the Queen of England, which is kinda cool I guess since he did use his time to help peoples an' stuff, I guess he deserves to be a knight and ride on a horse with a sword, I rode on a horse once but I was so fat that I broke its back, and thats when I joined Jenny Craig and I hoped I would meet hot chicks there but then I had to quit when I was evicted from San Francisco cos I hated Rice-a-Roni and then I thought about changing my mind and eating the horrid stuff but then I was abducted my an animal liberation group that thought I was a Yeti cos of my hairy feet, in fact my feet are so hairy that I had to shave them once a day until I got a really bad toe infection and they had to remove my toe hair follicles and it turned out it wasn't an infection but rather a large infestation of weevils, they let me keep one of them so I adopted it and named it Jack, and I put him in a big jar but then I accidentally left the jar out in the sun when I went to the dentist, and I got distracted at the dentist cos this really pretty hygienist fainted when she touched the worms in my mole, and I had to give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, so that started out fun, and when she woke she ran around screaming until the police came but by that time I had sneaked out the back door and I was on my way to to feed my weevil but I ran into a signpost and it was frozen and my tongue got stuck and I had to wait there until a fire truck came along to release me, and while I was standing there a dog peed on my pants.

I was so not happy about that.

It made me sad.

It makes me sad just thinking about it. I liked those pants. ='(

I'm not a rambler...

It's true, I'm not a rambler, I'm a SCIENTIST, cos I investigate the existence of the Yeti. I have made up my mind that Yetis exist and so I play with the condemning evidence to prove it cos I want to believe it, since that is what scientists to. I don't really have to investigate though, cos I already know they exist, when I was exiled from San Francisco for not liking rice-a-roni (long story) I had to move to the Himalayas and there I met and married one, her name was Martha, and I was madly in love with her. <3

I was so much in love that even after a hard day's work as an exhibit at the Yeti's Exotic Animals Zoo, cos they never let me out of my cage till midnight after all the Yetis went home, I never really liked that job too much sometimes it was fun singing Magical Trevor to make the little yeti kiddies laugh but sometimes they would just get mad and throw rocks at me, I ate a rock once but they didn't give me any pepper with it and I don't know how in the heck you can eat a rock without pepper soooooooo disgusting, sorta like the time Martha game my mom that fruitcake for Christmas and when she ate it she had a heart attack and died but Martha threw a little pepper up her nose that made her come to life again, so pepper is the magical cure-all, go figure, Martha didn't seem to like it though when I put pepper in the flowers I was telling you about that I brought her after a long hard day's work at the zoo, and she got so mad and she yelled "I HATE YOU YOUR A TERRIBLE HUSBAND AND I DONT WANT MY CHILDREN TO BE RAISED BY SUCH A [words bleeped for the kiddies] AND IVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS IM LEAVING!!!"

='(


This is Martha. I loved her so much.




I still love her, even though she left me and took the kids, said something about going off to live with her old old college flame the chupaca...chuapca...goatsucker in Brazil. Yeah that's right, it sounds astonishing but true: we had kids.

Our son, Hezekiah:





and our girl, Mary Sue:






So that's basically it. I'm a newly divorced 30 yr old guy, looking to find love again, and to prove the existence of Yetis so I can legally take my ex-wife to court and get partial custody of our babies, its kinda hard to sue a Yeti that doesnt even legally exist yet. =/

Oh yeah, and I like pickles. Zucchini pickles suck, but Cucumber pickles rock. Sorry, I just had to say it.